office jokes

Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

Pick a starting salary

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."
Letters to a landlord

Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfires and burnt my knob off.

This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

The person next door has a large erection in his back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk? Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.

Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.

Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.

When the workmen were here, they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.

Never say it at work

TWELVE THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open the door for me. I might need to learn how to function as a paraplegic in future and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could get me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. If fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

Human Body Facts

The human body is a machine that is full of wonder. This collection of human body facts will leave you wondering why in the heck we were designed the way we were.

 

1. 50,000 of the cells in your body will die and be replaced with new cells, all while you have been reading this sentence! pretty cool

2. Your body requires 1000-1500 calories per day just to simply survive (breathing, sleeping, eating).

3. The brain itself cannot feel pain. While the brain might be the pain center when you cut your finger or burn yourself, the brain itself does not have pain receptors and cannot feel pain.

4. The average human body contains enough: Sulphur to kill all fleas on an average dog, Carbon to make 900 pencils, Potassium to fire a toy cannon, Fat to make 7 bars of soap, Phosphorus to make 2,200 match heads, and enough Water to fill a ten gallon tank

5. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

6. The average human produces a quart of saliva a day or 10,000 gallons in a lifetime.

7. Every day an adult body produces 300 billion new cells.

8. In one hour, your heart works hard enough to produce the equivalent energy to raise almost 1 ton of weight 1 yard off the ground.

9. Scientists say the higher your I.Q. the more you dream.

10. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest it the male sperm.

11. You use 200 muscles to take one step.

12. You use an average of 43 muscles for a frown.
    You use an average of 17 muscles for a smile.

13. The average human's heart will beat 3000 million times in their lifetime.
    The average human will pump 48 million gallons of blood in their lifetime.

14. In 1 square inch of skin there lies 4 yards of nerve fibers, 1300 nerve cells, 100 sweat glands, 3 million cells, and 3 yards of blood vessels.

15. There are 45 miles of nerves in the skin of a human being.

16. Muscle cells live as long as you do while skin cells live less than 24 hours.

17. A fetus acquires fingerprints at the age of three months.

18. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

19. You burn 26 calories in a one minute kiss.

20. Your brain operates on the same amount of power that would light a 10-watt light bulb.

21. There are 5 million hair follicles on an average adult.

22. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades.

23. The human brain cell can hold 5 times as much information as the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

24. Approximately 75% of human poop is made of water.

25. Your eyes are always the same size from birth but your nose and ears never stop growing.

26. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

27. The average human dream lasts 2-3 seconds.

28. Your brain is more active during the night than the day.

29. One human hair can support 3kg.

30. Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

31. The tooth is the only part of the human body that can't repair itself.

32. An average human loses about 200 head hairs per day.

33. The white part of your fingernail is called the Lunula.

34. There is enough iron in a human being to make one small nail.

35. Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails.




A shank is the part of the sole between the heel and the ball of the foot.

The talus is the second largest bone in the foot.

The attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

The world`s first test-tube twins were born in June 1981.

A 13 year old child found a tooth growing out of his foot in 1977.

Neurons continue to grow throughout human life.

Your thumb is approximately the same size as your nose.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

In a year, a person`s heart beats 40,000,000 times.

Dogs and Humans are the only animals with prostates.

It only takes 7lbs of of pressure to rip off your ears.

There are nine muscles in your ear.

Your nose can remember 50,000 different scents.

The navel divides the body of a newborn baby into two equal parts.

If the average male never shaved, his beard would be 13 feet long when he died.

Experts say the human body has 60,000 miles of blood vessels. Verified Human Anatomy and Physiology", Third Edition, by Elaine N. Marieb.  copyright date is 1995. p. 643 Thxs, monkee191

If they were laid end to end, the blood vessels in your body would wrap around the equator 2 1/2  times.

The tongue is the only muscle attached at one end.

Fetuses can hiccup.

Nerve impulses to and from the brain travel as fast as 170 miles per hour.

Your brain uses 40% of the oxygen that enters your bloodstream.

Scientists have counted over 500 different liver functions.

Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.

The longest recorded bout of hiccups lasted for 65 years.

The longest recorded sneezing fit lasted 978 days. Verified

Your stomach has 35 million digestive glands.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.

At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

There is about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Each square inch of human skin consists of twenty feet of blood vessels.

There are no two tongue prints that are alike.

Your body contains about four ounces of salt.

Injured fingernails grow faster than uninjured ones.

Women blink twice as much as men.

Most people blink about 25 times a minute.

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. Verified

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.

It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out than it did to gain it.

The three things pregnant women dream most of during their first trimester are 1) frogs 2) worms 3) potted plants.

Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.

Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.

The largest internal organ is the small intestine. Despite being called the smaller of the two intestines, your small intestine is actually four times as long as the average adult is tall.

Facial hair grows faster than any other hair on the body.

Bone is stronger, inch for inch, than the steel in skyscrapers.

About one third of the human race has 20-20 vision.

In a hot climate, you can sweat as much as 3 gallons of water a day.

Fingernails are made from the same substance as a bird's beak.

A runner consumes about 7 quarts of oxygen while running a 100-yard dash.

Among the first known "dentists" of the world were the Etruscans. In 700 BC they carved false teeth from the teeth of various mammals and produced partial bridgework good enough to eat with.

The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.

Your teeth start growing 6 months before you are born.

Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.

A pair of human feet contain 250,000 sweat glands.

Ophthalmic surgery was one of the most advanced areas of medicine in the ancient world. Detailed descriptions of delicate cataract surgery with sophisticated needle syringes is contained in the medical writings of Celsus (A.D. 14-37)

Living brain cells are bright pink.

You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid than when you aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Your body contains the same amount of iron as an iron nail.

The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.

The ashes of a cremated person average about 9 pounds. A big part of what gives the human body weight is the water trapped in our cells.

Every human spent about half an hour as a single cell.

About 32 million bacteria call every inch of your skin home.